eaten an Eskimo

Chinese buffets are always risky, especially when your trying out a new one, but when your go to place gets shutdown from infestation, you have no other choice, you’ve got to find a new ying yang.

The buffet was out of the way, you know inconvenient. We drove all the way out towards the airport to get to this fucking place, and I was so hungry that I could have eaten an Eskimo.

A friend of mine was driving, there was lots of traffic and the weather outside was pretty messy. It was storming and there was a lot of thunder and lightning. My buddies name was Ray and he was the type of guy who was very optimistic. While we were driving I asked him how he thought the place would be.

So what do you think, Ray? Is this place going to be good or what? I asked him.

I’m optimistic, he responded, optimistically. The reviews for this place were good online at least, will just have to wait and see I guess , Ray finished.

This is something I admired about this fellow, he was open minded, not to mention very generous. The guy was nice enough to give me and another friend a ride. The amigo in the back however was not as reserved.

I HATE JAPS!!! Fred said.

Fred was the type of guy who would say inappropriate things periodically. If there was a compound for asshole on the periodic table, its components would be FRED. He could be a smart ass and an even bigger prick, but at the end of the day he had a good heart and would have your back when push came to shove…

I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t chuckle, because I did. To hear that statement out of nowhere was pretty amusing. Even Ray laughed a bit.

What the fuck Fred? Ray said acknowledging his racist statement.

To give you an even better visual, Ray was driving, I was in the front, my names Billy by the way and Fred was in the back seat sitting on the left side.

While driving through traffic there were cars all around us. Three lanes of vehicles very tightly compacted . We were in the left lane, because our turn was coming. When you have so many cars around, its only natural to look at them. A car to the right caught my attention. It was a white Ford ranger with two Mexicans sitting in the back of the pickup, it looked like a man and a woman.

Hey guys!!!, Fred said excitedly. There’s a bald eagle, he finished

Where? I asked

Oh I see it, it’s flying near the power lines on the left, Ray said.

From my point of view in the car it was hard to see, but with extreme maneuvers and flexibility I was able to get a glimpse of it somehow for just a second, and it seemed like it was
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Out of nowhere the power line exploded. It was hit by lightning and I saw all types of lights and sparks. I couldn’t help but notice a green glow hovering around after the explosion.

HOLY SHIT, Ray and Fred said at the same time.

DAMN!!!, I shouted

You think that eagles OK? I finished

Don’t worry about the Eagle, it may have been flustered, but it flew off right before the strike, Ray finished

I thought it may have flown away, but it happened so quick that I couldn’t tell, I responded. What the fuck was that green glow? I asked?

It could be Aliens, Ray said.

Why am I sitting in the back, Fred asked?

This is the way things were. One second we all witnessed an explosion and the next moment we’re joking about aliens and now Fred’s complaining about sitting in the back seat.

Because I called it, you dumb shit. I responded.

Yeah, Billy did call it first, Ray said.

Well, I think that’s bullshit, Fred expressed, because Ray and I were hanging out together first before we called you.

EARLIER That Day…

Earlier that day I got a call from Ray.
My phone had rang and I picked it up…

Hey, What’s going on Ray? I asked

Hey Billy, Fred and I were thinking about going to China Jade, if you wanted to come? Ray asked

I’ll go, do you know how late they run the special? I asked

Um, I’m not sure, but I can check online, Ray responded.

I could hear Fred in the background saying something to Ray…

Let me talk to Billy, Fred asked

Hey, Fred wants to talk to you, Ray said

OK, I responded

Here you go Fred, Ray said

He handed over his phone to Fred and I heard silence

Hello? I asked.

I didn’t hear anything ,

Hello? I asked again.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, Fred said in a creepy voice.

Real funny, I responded.

I know what you did last summer was a horror movie made in the 1990’s in case you didn’t get the reference. They even made a sequel to it called “I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER” and It starred Jennifer Love Hewitt, who’s career came to a Holt after having her first baby.

How the hell are you Billy, Fred asked
I’m hanging in there, I said. Are you guys at Rays mancave? I asked

We sure the fuck are, Fred responded

Ray’s mancave was his place of zen
and he always welcomed us . This place was in his garage and had all types of gadgets, like a workbench, TVs, Video Games and the internet.

Is it raining over there? I asked.

Yeah, it looks like its going to storm, Fred said, what about over at your place? He asked
Who said I was at my place? I responded.
I was at my place, I just wanted to give a Fred a hard time. I was outside on my porch looking at the grey clouds.
Come on Billy, Fres said, who are you kidding? Fred asked

Yeah, I’m at my place. It looks like it could rain for sure. I responded

FUCK!!! I heard Ray shout in the background

Whats going on, is everything OK? I asked.

Hold on, Fred said

Fred took a moment to talk with Ray at his man cave.

What the fuck is going on Ray?, Fred asked.

China Jade is gone, Ray said

What do you mean, gone? Fred asked. I mean gone, Ray replied, I went online to check how late they ran their special and saw an ad that said they were closed. Ray finished

Why did they close? Fred asked

Roaches, Ray replied

Fuck, Fred said

What the fucks going on, I asked?

China Jade is closed, Fred responded

Son of a bitch, I said. That was the only place left that was good, I finished.

I’m going to hand you back over to Ray, Fred said.

Fred handed Ray back his phone.

So you heard the news, Ray asked me?

Yeah, what are we going to do, I responded.?

Well, we can always go somewhere else, there’s this place out near the airport called Super Orient and its got pretty good reviews online.

NO!!! I heard Fred say in the backround

I’m down for that, let’s roll the dice, what other choice do we have? I responded.

Do you need a ride over here, Ray asked?

Hold on just a second, I responded

I put my phone away from my ear and walked into my house and asked my mother if she could drop me off at the man cave.

Hey mom, would you mind dropping me off at Rays house?, I asked.

Sure, when do need be dropped off? She asked.

I got back on the phone and spoke to Ray.

Hey Ray, what time do you guys want to go? I asked

We’re ready when you are, he replied

All right, I said. Will see you soon, I finished .

Later, Ray said

I hung up the cell and told my mother that I would be ready in a jiffy, because moms like her chose jiff.

I than put on a black polo shirt with blue levies. The shirt looked good with my short brown hair, which matched to color of my eyes, not that you give a fuck, but i’m just trying to be descriptive. I put on my socks and shoes and told my mom I was ready and we were on our way. As we pulled up to his house in my moms black suburban I saw both of them standing next to Rays car, which was a blue dodge Durango.

Both of my friends are white. Ray was tall and skinny, had blue eyes and blond hair spiked up like Billy Idol, who was a famous singer from the 80s. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt with pink flamingos on it. He also wore white cackies and green cowboy boots.

Fred was obese, but at least he had a full head of hair. It was black and he greased it back like the Fonz, or Fonzie, who was a famous character from a TV Show in the 70s called Happy Days. I’m only explaining it this way, to give you an example of how you could perceive his hair do. He was wearing a white wife beater and Blue Jeans shorts. He had classic kicks. The were Chucks, Black Converse All Stars. They were the high tops and he wore them with long white socks. Fred was a hairy mother fucker. He had so much hair coming from his legs and arms that you would think he was from an African tribe.

I got out of my car, and told my mom thanks.

Thanks mom, I said

Your welcome, she responded

She drove off and I was in the presence of my friends.

You gents ready, Ray asked?
I call front, I responded.

CURRENTLY That Day

In case you forgot, we left off with Fred complaining about being in the back seat and he gave his reason as to why he felt like he deserved to be in the front.

Well, I think that’s bullshit, Fred expressed, because Ray and I were hanging out together first before we called you. Fred replied to Billy
He’s got a point, Ray said

What are you saying Ray, that I’m not considerate? I asked.

I’m just saying that Fred was here first, perhaps calling the front needs to be Amended on a first come first serve basis, Ray replied
Always so fucking logical, this guy. I said
Hey, this is my car MoFo, Ray replied
Right after Ray finished his sentence a bald eagle landed on Rays hood of the Durango.

Damn, you see that, Ray asked

Yeah, I see it, I replied.

Look, its doing that weird head thing, Fred said.

The bald eagle started shaking its head up and down and decided to take a shit on Rays car and fly away.

What the fuck, Ray said
This day can’t get any weirder, I said
Your telling me, Fred resonded.
I heard a siren and looked to my right and saw a cop pulling over that white Ford Ranger. The two Mexicans immediately jumped out from the back of the truck and starting running away.

What the fuck is going on today, I asked.

Its been a strange one, for sure, Ray responded.

That’s a sign, Fred said. We should get something else, Let’s get Mexican food, Fred insisted.

I’m not really feeling Mexican, Ray said.

What are you, A racist? Fred asked. Come on Fred, I told him. We’re nearly there… I replied

Whatever Billy, Fred responded.

I’m Billy by the way, just to clarify.

Is that it, on the left? I asked

To the left was a restaurant called “Super Orient”. It was the highest rated Chinese buffet in our area, according to the internet.

Yep, that’s it, on the left, yep, yep . Ray said.

We found a parking spot and got out of the car. It didn’t look that great to be honest. It had a pretty shitty exterior. The building itself was painted a peachy color. I don’t know if they were going for a comquot look or what. A comquot is another word for a Chinese plumb.

Anyway the outside of the building was ugly. It looked like one of those faded buildings in the projects. Luckily there was no whorish activity outside the building like one may expect from first glance.

We entered the buffet and saw a sign that said “Wait here” and we did. It smelled kind of funny. The next thing I saw was a slant eyed, flat chested waitress with black hair walking towards us.

Ow Many? She asked.
Three, I said.
Follo Mi, she responded.
While walking behind the waitress I noticed her ass was missing. It was as flat as they come. Will tip her well, I thought. Perhaps with enough gratuities she could get some implants.
She took us to our table and asked what we wanted to drink.
Wat Yu want fo Drink?
The lady was looking at me first, so I answered.
I’ll take a Pepsi, I said.

Wut Bout U? She asked, looking at Ray.

A Mountain Dew, with no ice please, Ray responded.

Now its important to note how particular Ray was in how he wanted his drink. For years I’ve seen him order it this way, with no ice. And he was always so respectful in how he ordered, just add it to list of quality attributes in his character.

An wat Yu Have, she asked Fred

H20, Fred Responded.

We Av Pepsi, Mon Dew, Doc Peppa and WatO, she said in response

There must has been some type of language barrier here, either that or little miss sygone had one too many egg rolls . They say too many egg rolls can cause brain damage.

I’ll have H20 please, Fred repeated

WE AV PEPSI, MON DEW, DOC PEPPA An WATO!. She repeated, but louder and more aggressive this time around.

He’d like a water, I said.

The waitress immediately turned her back to us and walked away. Still no sign of ass, except for the way Fred was acting and the way I was thinking.

Why do you have to be like that? I asked?
They deserve it for what they did to us back in 1941, Fred responded.

Here we go again, I said.

Is this place even Japanese? Ray asked?

Who the fuck knows, I responded.

I’ve got to take a shit guys, have you seen the bathroom? I asked

Its in the front near the “wait here” sign on the left, Ray responded.

Thanks buddy, don’t wait up all right, I said.
We weren’t going to, Fred responded.

I walked back to the front of the establishment and walked into the Lou.

The bathrooms were very nice, they had walls made up of black stone. There were two stalls and a yuernal. I walked into the stall to the left which was the disabled one. It was very spacious and after I pulled everything down and popped a squat I couldn’t help and notice a diaper changing station for babies.

As I began to unload the dump truck there was a traffic jam with constipation. I grunted out of frustration and pushed to the best of my ability, but nothing came out.

I took a second to calm my bowels down and took a few breaths and out of nowhere the shit flowed out of my system . Right after it all came out, my phone began to ring. I looked at who was a calling and it was Fred. I picked up the phone and said, “Hello”

I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!!!, Fred said
Your persistent, I told him, how’s the food?
Pretty lousy, Fred responded
We’ll see you soon, can you give me some fucking space, I’m wiping here, I told him and hung up the phone.
Right after I hung up the phone I heard the main bathroom door open…

OH GOD, WAT DAT SMELL, NASDY MERICAN, a man said.

The guy left as soon as he came in. I guess the smell was too unbearable for him to handle.

After I finished wiping, I pulled everything up that was down and washed my hands in the sink. Its always nice to do this in your own stall. I glanced briefly once again at the diaper changing station and thought that I never wanted to be in that position. No babies for me, I thought.

I washed my hands and exited the bathroom.
I walked past the tables and saw my friends along with other patrons sitting at their designated spot of eating. Picture guys and gals, all around sitting and eating. You can picture them fat or skinny, black or white, I don’t give a fuck, because the other people are not that relevant. Do yourself a favor and use your imagination, because we still have a little ways to go.

I grabbed a plate at the fortress of dishes. You know that weird looking device that holds endless amounts plates and bowls.

Anyway, after I grabbed my plate. I saw three rows of food. The first isle had desserts like rice crispy treats, and weird looking cakes. It also carried different types of fruit. I saw a comquot, and grabbed it with my hand. There was no untinlcel for it. I assume they didn’t care to have one because its fruit and they are cheap. The next isle had sides like noodles, rice, fries and some other weird looking shit.

The dali lamas were nice enough to put tongs out for this paticular side. I remember using them to pick a portion of Lo mein and I could see steam coming from the food. It made its way into my nostrils and I felt like I could puke, I gagged a little and dropped the tongs and decided to let go of the Lo Mein. I than grabbed some fries with my hand, it was one of those fruity situations yet again.

This place seems pretty nasty, I thought. It was beginning to feel like purgatory.

The last isle had meat and soup. There was chicken , beef, shrimp, and sushi and some other suspect options. I stayed clear from the soup because I didn’t trust it. The only thing I grabbed was some fried shrimp. They were nice enough to place a used looking toothpick near the shrimp, like the one you would use for a shishcabob. I went with my gut and used my hands to grab a few.

I walked back to the table and saw Ray caressing noodles with his fork. The way one would fiddle when they realize that the food on their plate is bad. He had lo mein, fries and some of those weird looking cakes, with a bite out of one of them.

Fred just had a bowl of soup and was spinning his spoon around like he was playing shoots and ladders.

I sat down and noticed that our drinks had not been delivered.

I told you this was a bad idea, Fred said. We haven’t even got our drinks yet , Fred responded.

Looks like she’s coming, I said.

She came walking up with our drinks without expression. All of them had ice.

Excuse me, Ray asked the waitress

WAT? She replied in a bitch like tone.

I asked for ice, Ray replied

DATS FINE!, the waitress responded with hostility. She grabbed his drink and walked away.

Fuck that cunt, Ray said

Well if you do, don’t go for the ass, because its non existent, I replied.

Ray and Fred both laughed

I was trying to lighten the mood. It was rare to hear Ray talk like this, but this is someone you shouldn’t fuck with. Don’t mistaken his kindness for weakness, because this guy could go
HULK on your ass.

I grabbed a shrimp and took a bite out of it. It tasted funny. I than peeled off the remainder of the breading and saw an obscene amount of shit. The shrimp itself was barely white. I had been eating shrimp for years and have never seen this amount of crap in one.

Ewwww, that fucking gross man, Fred said

How’s your soup, I asked?

It was good until a found a hair in it, Fred responded

I looked at the table and saw a long ass hair.

Is that yours, I asked?
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, Fred responded, but I know I want a refund, he finished.
How’s the Lo Mein, I asked Ray?
It was terrible, Ray replied. I like what Fred’s thinking, he said.

I looked at both of them and it was clear what we were all thinking, perhaps we could cut our losses and get out of this place Scott free.

I took a bite of a fry and it was cold. I threw it back on the plate and noticed a fly buzzing around our food.
The waitress had came back with Rays drink and sat it on the table.
Excuse me, Fred said.
WAT?, the waitress responded
I found a hair in my soup, Fred said.
SHHHHH, the waitress responded.
KEEP QUIET, she responded loudly.
I don’t appreciate the way your talking to us, Ray said
WAT Wrong, I BRING BACK NO ICE FO U, NO CHARGE, she responded

This crazy bitch was telling us to be quiet, while saying it loudly. She was also being cheap…

I think we need a refund, I said.

OTTA QUESTIN, U ALL AV LOTS FOOD ON PLATE!. She replied, with her voice growing even louder.

What the hell are you talking about, I only have a bowl, Fred said and it has a hair in it. Fred finished
QUIET!, she replied.

Why are there so many flies around, I asked? raising my voice determined to get what I wanted.

THERE NO FLY, she responded

It was flying around her face as she said this…

Your cakes taste fowl, Ray said.

WAT!?! She asked.

Why does your shrimp have so much shit in it? I asked

WAAAAAAAAT,! she asked again, but louder and with more frustration.

U NO LIKE OUR FOOD?! U NO LIKE OUR FOOD?! She asked

YOUR FOOD IS FUCKING AWFUL, I SHOUTED!!!

Everyone in the restaurant was looking at us, picture them however you want, we made a scene, but this geeshian whore deserved it.

FINE, U PAY FO DRINKS AN GET OUT!!!, she demanded

I looked at the guys and we exchanged words.

Ok, Fred said

All right, Ray responded

That’s fine, I finished

I took a sip of my drink and the glass smelled sour, but at the end of the day I didn’t mind paying for it. The bitch will be flat and assless forever, because she won’t be getting a tip from me or any of my friends.

We all walked towards the entrance and paid ragezilla for our drinks. She gave another roar.

GET OUT!!!, she said

Ray and Fred were walking ahead of me and I was the last one out of the restaurant. We were a few steps away from each other when I went through the door. I saw an older couple standing around their green mini van. The guy was tall, fat and bald and the lady was a hot old cougar with long brown hair and great tits. She opened up the back seat of her minivan and took out a baby.

When I realised she was carrying a baby, I waited by the door a second to potentially open the door for them. I continued to wait but they were still standing around.

Come on Billy, Fred Responded

I think I’ve waited long enough, I thought . I walked away from the door and that’s when the couple with the baby came walking up. As I got further from the door, they got closer to it and that’s when the old guy opened his mouth…

Look and the gentleman, who was nice enough to hold the door open for the lady carrying a fucking baby, the bald guy said, in a condasending manner.
Before I had a chance to respond to this guy, Fred had something to say to him.

EVERYONE, Watch out… There’s a FAT BALD EAGLE coming through!!

It was nice to know that Fred had my back with this fat, old and bald geezer. He deserved to be insulted for responding to me like that, but he didn’t feel the same way.

I’ll fucking kill you!!!, the geezer shouted
No!!! Scott, don’t. The big breasted cougar said

He came running up in attack mode after Fred comments and that’s when I saw Ray pass in front of me, stopping the guy in his tracks.
He had pinned the guy up against the left side of the wall of the wall and told him, ‘I Don’t want to fight you man, so don’t make me angry, because you won’t like me when I’m angry’, Ray said.

Ray had him under control and handled the situation as well as one could. The guy became very apologetic.
I’m sorry, I lost my temper. The bald man said.
Its OK Ray responded.
A second later we heard the sound of shit breaking.
Ugh Oh, the bald guy said.
Damn it Scot, the lady responded

Shut the fuck up Jennifer, he responded in embarrassment.

The old bald geezer had shit himself and his wife was going ballistic. The outside of the Super Orient smelled like a diaper that needed to be changed. The baby was crying hysterically.

There’s bathrooms in the restaurant, I said.
They walked into the Super Orient and we took a few seconds to talk amongst each other.
Thanks for stopping that guy, Fred said to Ray.
Its no problem, Ray replied.
Thanks Fred for saying that stuff to the geezer, that thing about the bald eagle was pretty clever, I told Fred
I’ve got your back, Fred said.
Just a few seconds later, the Asian of our dreams came walking back into our lives.

WAT, GOIN ON!!!??? U START FITE,

GET OUT OF RESTAURANT, OR ILL CALL POO POO, she said

Do you mean, po po? Fred asked

Another Asian man, with a familiar voice came walking out as well.

AHHH, WAT DAT SMELL, NASDY MERICANS, the guy said.

Right after the guy finished his statement we saw a white van pulling into the parking lot. It had sirens blaring and lights coming from the top of the van. It said ICE on the side of it which stood for United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement. The guy and gal working at Super Orient ran away like white on rice, as swat teams came in busting down their joint. They must have been Aliens, you know illegal immigrants

We better get the fuck out of here, Ray said.
Anyone up for Mexican? Fred asked

I call front, I finished