Two friends went trick or treating in a neighborhood. Most people they encountered that night were ordinary and so were the treats they received. That all changed after they met an old couple who offered them pizza.
Come on over, get it while it’s hot. An old man insisted.
He was wearing a wife beater, grey sweatpants, and a gold cross necklace. He had a full head of gray hair slicked back in an old school fasion. He looked like one of those guys in the mob that hangs outside an Italian restaurant.He was standing in his driveway near a table that had stacks of pizza boxes. His wife was sitting down on one those plastic patio chairs. One of the two friends dressed up like a cowboy for Halloween and his outfit didn’t go unoticed by the old man.
Hey John Wayne, what happened, did you lose your balls.
The kid was raised to respect his elders, so he just stood there smiling.
I’m only kidding kid, your gonna bulk up one day, puberty can be hard. So you gonna have a slice or what? The old man asked.
The kid was what they call a late bloomer. At the age of 15 he didn’t hit his grow spurt and he had no peach fuzz whatsoever. He was thin and had short blonde hair. The cowboy costume made him feel like he looked older.
No thank you. The kid responded.
Aye Brokeback mountain, I’ve got some hot dogs in the freezer if that’s more up your alley. The old man joked.
I’m ok, thank you though. I’m trying to save some room for candy. He replied
I’m just busting your balls, What’s your name kid? He asked.
My name is Robert. He said
I’m sorry about the candy Robert, if hungry hippo over there had some self control I would have given you some. He insisted
The hungry hippo he was reffering to was his significant other. A second later she spoke for the first time.
Go fuck yourself, she said
His wife was on the fatter side. She wore an excess amount of makeup and dressed like a whore. She had big black 3d hair like a woman stuck from the 1980s. Shortly after telling him to fuck himself , she asked Robert’s friend what he was supposed to be.
What are you supposed to be anyway? She asked.
Roberts friend had bleached blond hair, a white trash bag wrapped around his body like a tshirt with ripped blue jeans and responded to her question.
White trash, he told her.
Do you have a name white trash, she asked in an exotic fashion.
Call me underage, he said . I’m only kidding, you can call me Franky.
The wife let out a seductive chuckle. Franky was a funny cat. The old man played off of Frankie’s joke about being under age.
If you think that’s going to stop her, then your in for a cruel summer if you know what i mean, the old man said.
I don’t think either one of them knew what he meant, but they just smiled while he started laughing at his own joke and continued to talk their ears off, which they didn’t mind.
You guys are all right. Don’t ever grow up, you understand. He said.
Frankie started picking his nose.
Don’t worry, I won’t. Frankie replied.
Really though, I remember asking my pops to take me trick or treating one year. I couldn’t have been more than 10 years old when he popped me in the mouth. He told me I was too old for Halloween.
That must have been rough, Robert said.
I love my Pops, but your never too old for Halloween. Don’t let anyone tell you different. He said .
Do you have any children, Robert asked.
No, Miss Piggy had some fat issues that prevented her from getting pregnant, but I still love her.
I love you too honey, his wife responded.
Hey white trash, you want some pizza.
The wife asked.
She took the slice in her hand and started licking it inappropriately. Franky was 16, so its not as creepy. He was also from Kentucky where that type of situation was more common.
Fuck yeah I want some pizza. Franky insisted.
While Franky continued to stuff his fat face and flirt with the old man’s wife, Robert helped that old man pass out pizza slices. Trick or treaters came, saw and conquered that pizza. You had your classic costumes like Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolfman and The mummy. There was this man who looked like Alfred Hitchcock walking alongside his daughter who was dressed as big bird from sesaume street. Many pro athlete’s made there appearance. I must have seen half a dozen Michael Jordans, A couple Ken Griffeys, one was wearing a reds hat while the other was wearing a Mariners cap. There was even this set of twins dressed up like Casious Clay and Mohammed Ali. They both were debating amongst each other who was the greatest.
I’m the greatest, the one kid said
No, I’m the greatest the other responded
Your both the greatest, the old man interjected. Get these champs some pizza, will ya kid. He asked Robert.
While handing them out two asian girls came running towards there general chow.
Oh my God! One of them screamed. While the other ran in silence.
They were dressed up like chop sticks. You couldn’t tell if they were twins because they all look the same.
Girls its ok, everything’s going to be all right. The wife assured them.
The chop sticks came walking up even closer.
What’s the matter, the wife asked
It’s the haunted house up the street, chopstick1 said
What about it, she asked
There were body parts all over the home. She said.
I’m sure they were just props honey, A haunted house is meant to scare you, but it’s all pretend, she assured her.
We left before he got a chance to kill us. My sister and I are really shaken up. Chopstick 1 said
Are you two twins, Franky asked
No, chopstick1 responded.
Chopstick 2 was silent in fear. Her face was pale and she couldn’t speak a word. The old man’s wife tried to comfort her as well.
My goodness child, are you ok? She asked
She didn’t say anything. Even Robert tried to distract her from the fear by asking her something off topic.
I like your costume, where did you get it? Robert asked
She began to speak for the first time.
It smelled like death inside that house, chopstick 2 said.
You’d be puking if that were the case. The old man told her
She was puking. Chop1 replied.
Why weren’t you, the old man asked.
I didn’t stay in there long, she replied
Out of nowhere A dark skinned middle aged man came walking up. He had a hook for his right hand and tapped it against the table.
Hey Captain, you want some pizza ? The old man asked.
He spoke to him like they were aquatinted in some way, which they were. It wasn’t a costume either. Apparently the man with the hook had some incident in the neighborhood many years ago, that left him with a missing hand.
Anyway, The man with the hook positioned it in between the pizza box and near the old man. The old man took a slice and handed it to the guys left hand, but he refused. He shook his head hysterically and tapped his right hook on the table again and positioned the hook even closer to the pizza. The old man slid it onto his hook and the captain let out a moan.
What is it? The old man asked.
He used his left hand and put up two fingers, did a double tap on the table
and let out another moan.
All right, hold your horses. Well I guess you can’t.
The old man grabbed another slice and pressed it against the hook on top of the first slice and the man put his index finger down and left his middle finger up signaling a fuck you to the old man in sign language.
Your a crazy bastard, but I always enjoy your company the old man told him while laughing.
And if you were wondering why he didn’t take the pizza with the left hand, it was because of religious reasons. Back from his home country it was considered to be rude to eat with your left hand, because it’s the hand you wipe your ass with, so know he eats with a hook.
The old man continued to talk sense to the chopsticks.
You two probably ate too much candy, I’m sure you’ll be fine. The old man assured the them.
Let’s go sis, it’s not like anyone believes us. Chop1 said to chop 2.
I’ll check it out, don’t worry. Robert told them.
Whatever you do, don’t eat the candy.
Chopstick 1 said
Why not, Robert asked
Because it taste like spam, she suggested
Well no wonder you threw up, the old man said.
I think spams delicious, Franky said.
I too love the spam, the wife replied.
They say people taste like spam you know. Chopstick 2 said.
Are you saying they’re serving flesh as Halloween treats. Robert asked
It could be, maybe he’s using trick or treaters for the formula. The 2nd chopstick replied.
Who’s he? Robert asked
The man in charge of the house is a creepy old man who uses an electric scooter because he’s too fat to walk. The 2nd chopstick said.
I gotta get my wife one of those things. The old man said. Hey honey, you want one of those fat scooters for Christmas? He asked
I’d rather have white trash, his wife suggested.
Has anyone seen the boxers? The old man asked with wonder.
I haven’t seen them. Robert replied.
No one said anything until we heard a moan. The man who couldn’t speak pointed his hook hyterically at the same direction the chopsticks had just came from.
Robert began to speak.
Now that I think about it, you two were the only ones that came from that direction. That means everyone we saw earlier could have gone there. Robert said.
The man who couldn’t speak started inscribing letters onto the table with his hook.
What is it, captain?. The old man asked.
The first letter we saw was an H. A few minutes later, a message was starting to form.
It said H E T O O K M Y H AN D A N D
More was coming. A couple minutes later the full message read
H E TOOK M Y HAND AND CUT OFF MY TONGUE.
Is that what happened, captain. All those years ago?
The man with the hook nodded his head. The wife began to speak.
You need to call the cops, the wife suggested
No cops, not yet at least the old man said. Let me get a feel for this before we go any further. If there’s truth in any of this, I will let the parents know right away. I’ll let the captains parents know and I’ll let the chopsticks parents know. He told his wife. He then told the two girls that they needed to go home.
It’s time for you to go home chopsticks. Have your mother make you some of that wanton soup. That always helped my stomach, he told them.
The chopsticks left the scene and the old man asked the captain if he wanted to come along. He responded with a severe headshake like he was having a seizure and ran away.
Don’t worry captain, were going to get this guy. He assured him.
He asked the young men if they were going to come along.
You coming John Wayne, he asked Robert.
Will follow your lead. Robert replied
You coming white trash?, he asked
I think I’m going to stay here, Franky told him.
No funny business, you understand. I was just joking with you earlier, keep an eye on her, will ya. He asked
Don’t worry, I will. White trash replied.
The old man grabbed a bat and told Robert to follow close behind.
When they arrived, there was one of those dead body exhibits where you can put your hand in one of those holes and feel organs, eyeballs and brains. Neither one of them put there hands in after hearing about what happened to the captain.
There were lots of fake spiderwebs and plastic tombstones. It looked like your standard Halloween decorations really.
A man with black hair and scruffy facial hair who had to weigh close to 500 pounds wheeled up from out of nowhere in his electric scooter. This must have been the guy the chopsticks were talking about.
” Aren’t you guys a little old for Halloween” ? The fat man said.
Your never too old for Halloween. I heard about a haunted house around here, the old guy said.
You just went thru it. Older people can’t appreciate the simple things. That’s why this holiday is for kids only.
There was a pause for a moment.
FOR KIDS ONLY! The man screamed
Why are you screaming? Robert asked
GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY! He continued to yell.
You better watch it pal, the old man said.
I’ll SHOOT IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER! The man in the scooter shouted.
He pulled out a pistol and pointed it towards the two. Robert put his hands up, while the old man tried to reason with him.
All right, relax. We’re leaving.
They walked backwards far enough away from the man in the scooter. He eventually had to do a 3 point turn to make it back to his front door. Because of his weight problem this took longer than most.
DAMN IT, he shouted as he manuevred it around the entrance of his home.
Wait here kid, the old man said. I’ll tell you when.
Ok, be careful, Robert said.
The old man snuck behind the man in the scooter without being noticed and hit him in the head with a baseball bat. Blood splashed against the owners front door as he called for Robert to come over.
Come over, the old man said.
Holy Shit, Robert said.
The man in the scooter sat there unconscious with blood flowing out of his head.
Is he going to die?, Robert asked
If I wanted him dead, he would be dead. The old man assured him. Let’s go inside.
The old man and Robert walked into the man’s house and there was a horrible stench . It smelled like death just as the chopsticks described.
Go back to my house kid, the old man told Robert.
I don’t want to leave you by yourself, Robert replied.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! The old man shouted
Fine, I’m leaving.
Hey Robert, you may be a kid, but you walk like a man. You did good, now get the fuck out, he said.
There was blood splattered all over the house. The guy that looked like Alfred Hitchcock from earlier had a bullet hole in his face as he laid pale and lifeless on the floor. Body parts could be seen everywhere. The old man noticed two pairs of boxing gloves close by and immediately assumed the worst. Right near those were a couple of baseball caps. One of them had an S, and the other had a C. Before he went any further, he went back to the front door and swung his bat a few more times against the owners head. Chunks of his brain flew into the mans slicked back hair. He held onto the bat as He walked into the kitchen and saw what looked like a human bird with yellow feathers cooking in the oven. He rushed to turn the oven off and when he opened it he saw the girl from earlier burnt to a crisp. After exploring more of the house he noticed different types of Jordan jerseys drenched with gore. He couldn’t take being there anymore. He started puking uncontrollably and ran out of the house. He grabbed his bat and continued puking all the way home.
When he got to his place, he saw Robert sitting on one of those plastic patio chairs outside near the table with the pizza boxes.
Is everything ok? Robert asked
No, he replied. Why aren’t you inside, he asked?
The door was locked, Robert said.
The old man dropped his bloody bat just outside his door before putting in the key in to open it. He walked into white trash and his wife getting busy on the living room coache. They didn’t hear him walk in. The old man snuck back outside and asked Robert to do him a favor.
Hey Robert, do me a favor and call the cops for me will ya, he said.
What do you want me to say, he asked.
Let them know there’s dead bodies at the house up the street.
Anything else, he asked
To get a signal, your gonna have to walk away from the house. Here’s my phone Robert.
The old man passed his cell to Robert and directed him away from the property.
Is this good? Robert asked
Keep going out, just a little further, the old man said.
Once Robert got far enough away from the house, the old man grabbed his bloody bat , opened the door and made sure it was closed and locked behind him.