What can I do for you? The haircut lady asked? I’d like a haircut please, I told her. What kind of snip are you looking for, she responded. The kind that’s going to get me in bed with you, I thought.
She had a beautiful face, dark brown hair, knockers the size of Connecticut, that’s right C cups. I didn’t notice a ring either, so perhaps she is on the market.
Her only flaws took place under her arms. They had more jiggle flap then one would desire, but everyone has cellulite to some degree and it was the Holidays, so I felt it was in season to be less shallow.
I’ll have a three all over, I responded.
Come follow me, she insisted. I did so and was guided to a chair. I took my seat, looked at my reflection and noticed a clock on the upper right corner of the mirror. It was your normal type of clock, non digital. It was shaped like a circle with a white background with black numbers and black pointers. The hour and minute arms were both black and the ticker, which is the arm that ticks every second, was red, just like my hair.
I always liked watching the red ticker. Just seeing time tick in front of you is interesting. I watched it round up to the nearest minute and it said 2:55 and I was blinded.
A second later I could see. The hair broad placed some type black robe over me and tied it around my neck. This black cloth covered most of my body from the neck under and prevented my hair, from getting onto my clothes. I’m sure there’s a proper name for this thing, but bare with me, I’m not a fucking Barbour.
So just a three all over, right? She asked. Yep, I responded.
I love your hair, she said. Thanks toots, I told her. She began to laugh and I thought I had a chance to rail her in. The next moment, the buzzing began and I felt the pressure of clippers going down my head. From my point of view it became difficult to look away from her fat arms. They were flapping at record pace on tempo with the vibrations. They jiggled the way a smoked brisket would when cooked to completion, kind of like jello.
Quit being so judge mental, I thought. Your alone for the holidays and this girl could have sex with you. There is more to her, then her lardy arms, I finished thinking.
So what do you do for a living? She asked me. I’m a cook, I said. Oh yeah, where at? She replied. A Bar B Q joint, I responded. I answered her questions vaguely to remain mysterious and keep her guessing.
Looks hot outside, she said. The lady continued her small talk and I responded to it.
I prefer it that way, I told her. She began to laugh, and that’s when I thought I had sealed the deal. When you start hearing laughs that don’t make sense, there’s a strong possibility that she likes you.
The whether here is so crazy, she said. Its December and its in the 90s, where I come from its freezing this time of year, she finished.
So where are you from? I asked her. Connecticut, she said.
At this point we had been talking for almost 5 minutes and she grew on me enough for me to let go of her fat lardy arms and make a move.
So why did you move here from Connecticut? I asked. As I began to work my magic, I awaited her response and looked up at the upper right corner of the mirror and saw that it was almost 3 o clock. I saw the red ticker rounding its way there, just seconds away.
Me and my fiance
so I gathered you didn’t get any nookie….well just come over and see Real Rat of NYC and Harlem Deer I hope they cheer you up…..
LikeLiked by 3 people
How’s it going buddy. Hope you liked it. Will check them out. How’s your blog going
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, I liked it shows a lot can be do in 5 minutes. My blogging is coming along I hope to improve….
LikeLike
Hello Gastradamus,
I like how you mentioned Connecticut in the beginning and how it came up again at the end, a bit of foreshadowing, it reminded me of Rosebud in the film Citizen Kane.
-John Jr
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thanks John for your thoughts. That movie was big for its time. When that movie came out they had never seen anything like it. I only saw parts of it at school, I think I would have more apprecaiteion for it now. Dreams well buddy
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are welcome Gastradamus.
So it seems, I usually see it on top films of all time lists, and I finally watched it for the first time this month.
It was not as good as I thought it would be and I felt that it dragged on, but the ending does leave and impression.
-John Jr
LikeLike
you wrote this very well… I love it… thanks for making my start into a foggy thursday to a good one …
LikeLiked by 2 people
Your welcome Easy. I’m very happy to see you here, hope your feeling better, was sorry to hear that news. Glad you enjoyed the story
LikeLike
“It was the Holidays, so I felt it was in season to be less shallow.” Loved this part, pretty nice twist. π
https://simpleserenity.wordpress.com
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good to know that my words swept you off your feet. Do we love Azra or what. Such beauty this lady brings to the blogging world
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for kind words. π
LikeLike
First of all, well crafted. Second, was this true and if so, have you talk to her since?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, We love craft macaroni and cheese at Gastradamus. Check out emotionsoflife2016 people. He just posted a poem last night that rocked the blogging world
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for the tip, think I’ll enjoy his work. Liked your story, what a title!π
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks rugby, it was either that or 3 all over.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Like that title too, maybe for another story?
LikeLike
it would have fit for this story, I just felt Lardy Arms would stick out better. How’s your blog coming around
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, okay. I love the challenges, try most. Good for my brain. But mostly I’m just a quick humor person.
LikeLike
Well Gassy, I like your style and your honesty but since I too am a C cup with lardy arms but also too old for anyone to care; that is all I’m gonna say. After all Tis the Season to be less Shallow. Hafta admit though; I did laugh! ~~dru~~
LikeLiked by 3 people
Glad you found it amusing, thank you so much for the feedback and you seem to have a lot going for you, with age come beauty and wisdom. I’d give you a shot. Did you ever read Queen Kong and I?
LikeLiked by 1 person
C cups = the size of Connecticut so my D cups are?
LikeLiked by 2 people
The Dakotas, both of them. Wish I heard back from you beautiful. You words light up my life and I miss hearing them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve been all over the globe recently but I do promise that after the over indulgent excesses of the festive period, when I am back on terra firma, I will be in touch and it will make sense and be worth waiting for π
LikeLiked by 1 person
HAHAHA the way you ended the post right there is just HILARIOUS!
You have a way with words and comic relief that’s really unique and it’s refreshing to read stuff from you such as this.
Stay hilarious and witty my friend!
You deserve every bit of success with such sense of humor.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad you liked it. Feel free to share the story if you think its good enough
LikeLike
Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter. Arm flap was the deal breaker? Looks down at my extra rolls of jiggle. Looks back up with an evil grin. You never friend was behind that extra jiggle – hubba hubba. XOXO – Bacon
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s nothing wrong with jelly
LikeLiked by 1 person
Surface impression; why the rough language. But then it becomes clear that is intentional, a deliberate juxtaposition with the final line. Your work is very multilayered. I wish I’d gone with my first instinct and waited until morning to check this out. I hope it’s sleep that is befuddling my brain. I had to re read several pieces. You are very talented but I am not surprised you have your critics because the layering of meaning is so complex. Johnathon Swift once wrote a piece to highlight the plight of the Irish during a famine under British rule. He proposed hunting people and other similar atrocities as a deliberate provocation to encourage people to become aware of the dire problem. Unfortunately many people took the work as a literal piece of writing. Just to let you know you are being misunderstood in great company. Merry Christmas from Lisa.
LikeLiked by 3 people
That was one of the nicest replies I’ve ever received. I also learned two new terms, so thank you for that. You had said that you wished you went to sleep before you read this, but went against your instinct and had to re read a few pieces. Would like to hear more on what you mean there. Its crazy because my reviews are always solid. Some people have issues with the context, but I havnt had anyone say the writing is bad. The Sopranos was a great a show, with a perfect ending, but some misunderstood it. If they looked at the bigger picture, they would realize how flawless the ending wad. Its possible that my writing could be too complex for some readers, some people may not get it, but those who pay attention to the details with have a complete picture of it all. Will have to check out Swift. Feel free to share the story. Would love your people to check it out. Thank you so much Lisa, you made my day. When I’m busting my tale end off at work to marrow, I will be thinking of this reply to get me through it. Merry Christmas Lisa
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think reading it while sleepy made it harder to follow, which in a way alerted me to the conclusions that could be drawn if the story was taken at face value. Words & phrases seemed to be misogynistic like Queen Kong seemed to be racist; but that is a reaction, that when you read deeper you realise isn’t there. I’d read something in my sleepy state & wonder why you used such demeaning language (a trigger reaction to some of the words) then re read the passage & the context and “get why” the language was used. I hope I’ve explained myself. Keep going, are you working on something longer offline?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for the responce. I’m working on a book right now, I’ve got close to 10000 words but it has a ways to go
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are a scum peddler who doesn’t know his dick is ugly, go to fuck you bum, you are worse than your mom
LikeLike
Merry Christmas
LikeLike
Merry Christmas
LikeLike
You are right: it’s a good one … the built-up fantasies and the not-so-gentle let down. make it a great holiday season and keep that writing coming. Roger.
LikeLike
Thanks buddy, thought you glad it was good
LikeLiked by 1 person
This gave me a laugh! How much you tried ππ Glad I read this!!
LikeLike
Happy you found is amusing
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are writing very well π
Happy New Year.
LikeLike
Good read that ends with a nice punch line…. Chapter two maybe? Escape from the lard armed lady…
LikeLike
Thats pretty clever. Three all over
LikeLike
My opinion… I don’t have much to say other than I hope the nice lady and her partner have a long happy marriage. And, it’s rude to make fun of people who are overweight, you never know why people are they way the are, could be health reasons. What if you had flappy arms because of a health reason you had no control over??
LikeLike
I think the lead already acknowledged that he shouldn’t be so judgemental. Thank you so much for your words. Would love to hear your thoughts on Blue Jasmine, Queen Kong and I and don’t forget Miss Scarlet
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very Very interesting read.. π
LikeLike
Thanks Prakash, glad you found it intriguing
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on IdealisticRebel's Daily View of Favorites and commented:
Perhaps karma for your thoughts. Chuckle. Hugs, Barbara
LikeLike
Thanks Barb for the reblog, hopefully karma is good to me. I’m a better person than what some may assume
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am sure you are a good person. Have a good week.
LikeLike
Aw! (I wouldn’t mind the body-part excess as well) π
LikeLike
Tis the season, happy new year . would love to hear your thoughts on Queen Kong and I…. Blue Jasmine and Miss Scarlet
LikeLike
Lol… Talk about being presumptuous! π
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like it, the story wasn’t degrading of fat people or fat women. I enjoyed reading it.
LikeLike
Thank you for your kind words
LikeLike
I wonder whether this post should be titled as my gastry desires…
LikeLike
That would have been an interesting title… For me it was between Lardy Arms and 3 all over, thanks again for stopping by. If you like fasion than go to Misstalkaholics blog, its the place to be bloggers
LikeLiked by 1 person
First you need to ensure your visits…
LikeLike
A title that sticks out more to people? Well that’s one way of doing things, thanks for the suggestion
LikeLiked by 1 person
very well crafted and so true!
Thank you for the post
LikeLike
Check out PaxEtDolor Magazine people. Its the way a blogs suppose to be over in those neck of the woods. Thanks for the feedback and be sure to let us know what you think of more of our material. You are valued here at this blog, where we take care of those that take care of us
LikeLike
Is this fiction? It is very good. πI was hanging on til the very end.
LikeLike
Its based on a true story, it kept you hanging on til the end Hugh? Did you get the ending . Rebecca was nice enough to give me feedback on two of my stories and I asked her if she could comment in the story section and she did. This is what we call a loyal follower people, check out her blog ladies and gentlemen, because she’s a true artist.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is so awesome! π Awwww β€ Thank you hon!
LikeLike
The Connecticut bit was excellent, especially as you were have a haircut. Grand job.
LikeLike
Cake is back, back again, cake is back, tell a friend. Cake is back. Cake is back. Cake is back. Cake is back
LikeLiked by 1 person
Funny story!
LikeLike
If you like decorating with the color green, then check out this beauties blog, its quite festive. Cathy Lynn Brooks is in the house
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLike
Actually, that was very entertaining! Thanks for the chuckle. π
LikeLike
We are glad you liked it, be sure to check out the others. Everyone following this blog listen up ANOTHERFOODIEBLOGGER is not just another foodie blogger, she’s selling herself short. This lady has so many different recipe s at her blog, that your not going to know what to do with yourself when you get there. Her blog is awesome and I would recommend all of you who are following me to follow her, spice up your life over at Anotherfoodieblogger on WordPress, thank you so much for the feedback and we really hope to see more of your recipe s in the future
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, what an awesome comment Gastradamus!!! You are way too kind. I’m on the phone with my sister now, will catch up with other posts later. xo
LikeLike
Thank you so much, hopefully your like “I read this story called Lardy Arms and sister, let me tell you, it was hillarious”. Take care gorgeous
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey! Hi! Nice job π
I just retweet it π
LikeLike
I thought you had a book for sale, was going to purchase it
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have 2 in English π see here https://payhip.com/mopana
LikeLike
OK, how do I post stuff on twitter when my stories are longer than the max number of words allowed. Will look at book info after work
LikeLiked by 1 person
You do not post the entire article. It is promotional. I mean, I promoted you to my 3800 followers on Twitter.
LikeLike
Thank you so much, I was just asking but I’m not too familiar with how twitter works, thank you so much for the promotions, how much have you made on your book sales so far?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like someone needs to put the SUPER back into SuperCuts. H.
LikeLike
Hope you liked it man, thank you so much for the feedback
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really enjoyed your style of writing! Following you π
LikeLike
Thank you very much, look forward to hearing more from you in the near future, who knows this could be the beginning of something special. Everybody in the blogging world, check out Mrinalini at her blog because its incredible, not only does she showcase the best of makeup products, but she also gives tips on how to make money. Would love more of your feedback, be sure to check out Queen Kong and I….Miss Scarlet….Blue Jasmine and Rutjob. Thank you so much for the follow
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks a lot for the shout out! Will definitely check out the posts you have recommended π
LikeLike
No problem, we are just happy to have you here
LikeLiked by 1 person
Time seems slow when you’re thinking of how to close a deal. Too bad you didn’t get a chance to melt away some lard.
LikeLike
Well at least I have great feedback from bloggers like you. Stay In touch and don’t be a stranger. Check out Karina’s blog people, she is not afraid to say whats on her mind and that’s what we like
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ve got two words for you, Shake WEIGHT BABY! Get all worked up watching her work out, and then Bam KUNG FU GRIP!
LikeLike
Lol we love the comedy here, shake that weight sista
LikeLike
Of course
LikeLike
I’m pretty sure its rude to laugh at arm fat but I can’t help it. I have a childish sense of humor so of course I found this super amusing. I think your blog is one of the funniest I have come across. Reading your blog is a really good way to start my mornings.
LikeLike
Ahhh, your making me blush. Very nice compliments coming from such an uptight beauty. Did we love the ending to this one or what people. Check out this hottie’s blog. She likes donuts and there is nothing wrong with that folks. Chicka chickaa what, chika chikka what what, G0 2 UPTIGHTPRETTYGIRLS Blog party rockers
LikeLike
I love your style of writing. I read a few of your stories and they are all very interesting. Way to go. I look forward to anything you will write in the future. You have a very specific and fascinating way to use words and I love it. Hope you blog develops even more. π
LikeLike
It so incredible to have feedback like this. I’m glad you love the writing, stay in touch and if you like movies than check out this blog folks
LikeLiked by 1 person
You have a unique way of writing and that’s a plus point. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and I’m intrigued to read further.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for coming by. People of Gastradamus If you haven’t checked out Simply-Me, than be sure to do so. She cares about what you write, and will comment on your material, not to mention that her blog is as awesome as all you can eat lobster. Lardy Arms is one of my favorites and I glad you enjoyed it
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you ever so much, and very kind of you to do this.
Yes I second you on the Lardy Arms.
LikeLike
Firstly, this is a strong, well written piece. And again I’m gonna ‘tell’ you, it reminds me of Bukowski ( I love Bukowski) . Secondly, as a chronically ill and disabled person whose disabilities have turned their body into something theyr’re afraid to look at, the description of your observations about your hair stylist’s body are painful to read. But, I feel it is honest as the majority of society feels the same way, just isn’t as courageous when it comes to owning their opinions and world views. My second point shouldnt be the most important one, as I know good writing when I see it. And reading is one of few personal joys I have these days
LikeLike
Its just one of those things I guess, the moral of the story is pretty clear, I don’t think it was a happy ending for the shallow guy… Im glad you enjoy reading my material and I’m sorry if any of this story made you feel bad in any way. Your feedback has been incredible and I will surely be visiting your blog after work tomorrow. You are incredible, brave and strong, stay that way and may god bless you
LikeLike
Fine to read your posts
LikeLike
Thank you so much, nature is fine indeed
LikeLike
Good story.
We call Lardy Arms ‘Bingo Wings’ over here. from when the chubby ladies wave their arms in the air, after they win at Bingo.
Thanks for following my blog, which is much appreciated.
Best wishes, Pete.
LikeLike
Called by to leave my thanks for your recent decision to follow Learning from Dogs. Thank you!
LikeLike
We love Dogs at Gastradamus and I hope you enjoy our writing. Please share your thoughts on the others, woof woof
LikeLike
Great story! Is it really a story of you and your fiance? (I hope I’m not missing something here…) Is this how you met? Awesome!
LikeLike
Well I don’t want to rewin the end for you, but you may want to re read it. Would love your thoughts on the others.
Moody Mopet will surely lift up your spirits if you visit her blog. It’s fresh, ripe and sweet and who doesn’t love those qualities in a blog
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the super kind words, Ronald! I take it that is your real name, right? π Will go on reading for sure. Your stories are amazingly entertaining. I’ll re-read the post. I think maybe I did miss something… hmm…
LikeLike
Hi Gas!
This is the one that caught my eye and I read it to the end… not my cup of tea but you kept my interest… I’m a little disappointed I don’t get to learn what happened unless Me & my fiancΓ©e meant something?
Anyway no luck on Phonestruck… I got to the byplay about baldness and couldn’t get farther… nevertheless you are a good short story writer…! π
LikeLike
Thank you so much. Yeah some people dont get the ending to LardyArms, but it keeps the story alive that way. What did the ending mean to you? Sorry Phonestruck bored you, thanks for the honesty…
DANI is quite the fan of anime. So if you like that type of thing, than you should check out the blog. I’ve never witnessed this type of art, but one day I may just do so
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t really watch anime πππ» I like k-dramas… it’s okay, thanks for the shout out, Gas…
The end to me was a bit of a muddled messed… this guy wasn’t about a relationship but then at the end an incomplete sentence. I couldn’t even tell through punctuation like a hyphen before or a period after if the last line was intentional or not. Frankly it didn’t work to me… but it’s not my work! It’s yours so if you’re happy with it, it’s all good!! π
LikeLike
I wish english was my native language and I could express myself in such imagery like you are able to paint with your writing π
LikeLike
Thanks B, your English sounds good to me. What S your Native language
LikeLike
Thank you! I am Swiss, we have 4 native languages but being from the Swiss-German part it’s mainly German
LikeLike
That’s really cool B. I love Swiss cheese and you write as if English was your first language. Would love your feedback on my others. Hope to see more of you
LikeLike