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rutjob

Have you ever set your alarm clock to go off before you had to wake up? Its something I do five days a week, for each dreadful day I go to work. I hate my job so much, that I have three alarms set on my phone, that way I can wake up twice with the luxury of not having to begin my miserable workday.

9:30am is that “Oh Shit” moment. That’s when the Hellstorm begins, so I like to space out my alarms one hour apart from one another. 7:30 is Thank you Jesus, while 8:30 is Holy Shit, Let’s enjoy the time we have left before we have to wake up, because its fucking coming and  will be here soon. Its sad when it gets to this point, but it is what it is for the time being.

With that being said, things have gotten worse. Tonight I’ve lost my ability to wake up twice before hell begins, because my phone was damaged at work today while washing dishes. I don’t have any type of alarm clock at the moment, but luckily I have my MoM. As you may have guessed I live with my her, and she is always up before I begin my day, so I asked if she could wake me at 9:30 and she agreed to it.

My Mother has always been there for me and its nice of her to help out with these types of predicaments.

I’m starting to get drowsy and its already 3:30 in the morning according to my TV. I like to have it on in the background when I write. It can be time consuming, but one day it will get me out of this rutjob.

I remember turning off my TV and shutting off the lights which made everything dark. The only thing I could hear was the fan blowing from my window. I laid down and shut my eyes and The next thing I saw was the light. OH GOD, NO. I thought. Please, don’t let this be it, I continued thinking. It looked bright as fuck, and I couldn’t bare the thought of having to get up for work. The sun was shining from the window and I knew I had to check the time. Perhaps its not as early as I think. I got out of bed and walked up to the side of my TV and took a second to pray before I clicked on the power button.

Please God, give me some more time, I thought. I pushed the button and it said 9:28

AHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUCK
MOTHERFUCKINGSONOFABITCH!!! Damn it, I thought.

I walked out of my room and saw my mother in the kitchen. Good Morning Son, I was just getting ready to wake you up, she said. She had on a smile. Good Morning, I responded, smiling back

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Lardy Arms

What can I do for you? The haircut lady asked? I’d like a haircut please, I told her. What kind of snip are you looking for, she responded. The kind that’s going to get me in bed with you, I thought.

She had a beautiful face, dark brown hair, knockers the size of Connecticut, that’s right C cups. I didn’t notice a ring either, so perhaps she is on the market.

Her only flaws took place under her arms. They had more jiggle flap then one would desire, but everyone has cellulite to some degree and it was the Holidays, so I felt it was in season to be less shallow.

I’ll have a three all over, I responded.

Come follow me, she insisted. I did so and was guided to a chair. I took my seat, looked at my reflection and noticed a clock on the upper right corner of the mirror. It was your normal type of clock, non digital. It was shaped like a circle with a white background with black numbers and black pointers. The hour and minute arms were both black and the ticker, which is the arm that ticks every second, was red, just like my hair.

I always liked watching the red ticker. Just seeing time tick in front of you is interesting. I watched it round up to the nearest minute and it said 2:55 and I was blinded.

A second later I could see. The hair broad placed some type black robe over me and tied it around my neck. This black cloth covered most of my body from the neck under and prevented my hair, from getting onto my clothes. I’m sure there’s a proper name for this thing, but bare with me, I’m not a fucking Barbour.

So just a three all over, right? She asked. Yep, I responded.

I love your hair, she said. Thanks toots, I told her. She began to laugh and I thought I had a chance to rail her in. The next moment, the buzzing began and I felt the pressure of clippers going down my head. From my point of view it became difficult to look away from her fat arms. They were flapping at record pace on tempo with the vibrations. They jiggled the way a smoked brisket would when cooked to completion, kind of like jello.

Quit being so judge mental, I thought. Your alone for the holidays and this girl could have sex with you. There is more to her, then her lardy arms, I finished thinking.

So what do you do for a living? She asked me. I’m a cook, I said. Oh yeah, where at? She replied. A Bar B Q joint, I responded. I answered her questions vaguely to remain mysterious and keep her guessing.

Looks hot outside, she said. The lady continued her small talk and I responded to it.

I prefer it that way, I told her. She began to laugh, and that’s when I thought I had sealed the deal. When you start hearing laughs that don’t make sense, there’s a strong possibility that she likes you.

The whether here is so crazy, she said. Its December and its in the 90s, where I come from its freezing this time of year, she finished.

So where are you from? I asked her. Connecticut, she said.

At this point we had been talking for almost 5 minutes and she grew on me enough for me to let go of her fat lardy arms and make a move.

So why did you move here from Connecticut? I asked. As I began to work my magic, I awaited her response and looked up at the upper right corner of the mirror and saw that it was almost 3 o clock. I saw the red ticker rounding its way there, just seconds away.

Me and my fiance

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Queen Kong and I

Did I ever tell you about the time I hit a black girl with a baseball bat?

It was just another boring day in middle school, everything seemed normal, but when I arrived in science class, I sat down at my desk and heard the bell ring. My teacher began to speak.

Students, pack up your things because we are going out for the day, she said. When I heard this, a comfortable euphoric warmth went up my spine. I hated being in this classroom, so the moment she said we were leaving I was as a static.

In my class its important to note that everyone was white, with the exception of one black girl. This young broad had a crush on me and I’m not a racist or anything, but I’m not to fond of dark chocolate. Everyone has different taste, some people like the flavor, but I always found it bitter.

As I packed up my things, my teacher began to speak again.

All right students, single file, line up, let’s go!!! She said loudly. Back when I was in school they made you line up before you went anywhere. They’d use this system that assigned you to your place by alphabetic order. They used it for where you sat in the classroom, to where you lined up to leave the classroom, they even use it for your graduation ceremony.

As you might have guessed, the black girl and I were close to one another, alphabetically speaking. She sits close by and when we got up to stand In line, she was behind me.

All Right class, we are going to the bus loop, my teacher said. The bus loop was not far from the classroom we just exited. The walk there was boring and became annoying. Every other student in the line seemed to walk with peace and ease, But The girl behind me kept touching my hair, which agitated the fuck out of me. Fucking bitch, I thought. Everyone else in the line was behaving, and here I was having to deal with this nincompoop.

I started to hear a noise that sounded Like a circus. To my surprise the entire buss loop was set up like a fair. They had a bunch of games, cotton candy machines, a rock climbing wall, A slip in slide. It was like a kids dream come true. If only I can get this weave out of my hair, than I’ll be golden, I thought. All Right kids, have fun, my teacher said.

I saw a yellow piñata shaped like a jackass from a distance. I love candy, I thought. This is where I need to be. There was a line when I got there and I watched these kids get blind folded by an adult and spined around multiple times, before they got a swing at it. They were using a metal baseball bat and Before I went, I watched people fail miserably. They weren’t even close to this fucking thing, how could they be so discordianated and stupid, I thought.

Just before it was my turn to go, I heard the sound of a familiar twat close by, she had some type of wabble to her walk that shakes the ground that one cannot forget. She also carries a smell of white rice for some reason. I didn’t want this to spoil anything, so I just let it be. I got blindfolded and knew if my head, that I was going to smack the fuck out of this piñata. As I was twirled, I knew I was going to hit this thing with all my might. By the time they said go and handed me the baseball bat, I was ready. I swung the bat with a powerful swing, and heard a yell. Fuck yeah, I thought. I must be impressing the fuck out of everyone with how hard I’m hitting this thing. I pulled back for another swing and landed another powerful stroke and heard a scream. The next moment my blindfold was forcefully removed and I saw the black girl of my nightmares running at me like a mad monkey. She started swinging at me with her fist, but missed because i’m quick like that. The adult who blindfolded me, got in between Queen Kong and I. The black girl started shouting obscene statements at me and once she calmed down out of her rage, she began to cry. I felt bad for her, but at the same time it ended bitter sweet. After this incident, she never hit on me again see

 

 

Gastradamus is my name and gassy topics are my game

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The empty voter

“Make sure you get your voting sticker, that way we can take your picture once you get back”, my mom said. It was a tradition for my mother to take a picture with my voting sticker on for the Presidential Election every four years and i may not be a big picture guy, but it made my mom happy, so i never minded doing it. I always took pride in who I was voting for.

I don’t want a picture this year, I responded.

My pricing was just up the street at a church close to my house. Once I pulled up to it I felt empty, which was abnormal. I saw all the election signs and parked my car and got ready to do what I felt like was the right thing, but for the first time ever, I was unsure.

I walked up to the church and waited in line. I saw people with mixed emotions. I envied the ones that looked happy. I received my ballot and walked to a cubby or whatever that thing is that divides you and prevents other people from seeing your votes. When I got there I took a final moment to think about everything that was at stake. I grabbed my pen and voted for

Gastradamus is my name and gassy topics are my game

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Miss Scarlet

How I long for the day of black paper. I am the lost crayon that is never used. My purpose is to be thrown at someone or chopped in half, and its about to happen. I often wonder, what it would be like to be one of the better colors. To be the blue would feel great. These dweebs love to draw their sky that color, which always blew my mind, because the sky is white, but it’s just one of those things I guess. The moment is coming. These kids are getting restless. I am so desperate to keep going that I would even tolerate being one of the shit colors, like green or brown. Do you know how often these Twirps draw poop. Its obscene. There’s only so much Miss Scarlet can do for me now, my days are numbered.

I noticed a hand coming my direction to pull me out of my box. This was something abnormal for crayons like me. The other colors around were taken out on a regular basis and came back as often as they were taken. For me it was my first time and I knew what that meant. I was grabbed and placed in between both hands horizontally of the student that picked me. I couldn’t tell if it was a boy or girl, everything happened so fast. The next thing I saw coming was another

Gastradamus is my name and gassy topics are my game

 

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PUMPKIN LIVES MATTER

Black Lives Matter Activist Laquisha Afferny tells her story of food Inequality

PUMPKIN LIVES MATTER

Black Lives Matter Activist Laquisha Afferny has come out against white pumpkins. Her complaint came shortly after seeing white pumpkins displayed at a Walmart supercenter. I heard her screaming at the racist food product and had to come to her rescue. Below is a brief interview with this American Patriot whose racial injustice needs to be heard.

Gastradamus: So how does this make you feel? Only seeing these white pumpkins for sale?

Laquisha Afferny: It mades me feel angury. I don’t see any black pumpkins for sale. Its discrimination against our community and its not aceptable.

Gastradamus: Should Walmart be held accountable for this inequality?

Laquisha Afferny: Yes, they should pay for all of my groceries.

Gastradamus: That’s a lot chicken you have in your shopping cart. I see fried chicken and rotisserie chicken. Are those chicken livers as well?

Laquisha Afferny: Yeah, its the only thing I can aford, I lost my job at KFC, because I kept eating their chicken, but its not my fault, because I’m poor and stealing food wen yur Hungary is OK.

Gastradamus: Let me pay for those, its the least I can do.

I took out my wallet and handed her a twenty dollar bill.

Laquisha Afferny: Wat, dat’s it?

Gastradamus: That’s more than enough, do you mind if I take your picture for my blog @ Gastradamus?

I never saw Laquisha Afferny again. She took the money and walked to the cold chicken department, but its very important for us as people to remember her story. She had a fat ass

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#pumpkinlivesmatter

Gastradamus is my name and gassy topics are my game

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Blue Jasmine

Have you ever used a bathroom for the disabled? I have a shit load of times and never felt bad about it. The handicapped stalls have their advantages. They tend to have more space, which is nice when you have to take a mean shit. My claustrophobia also plays a factor. So naturally, I go to the disabled toilet 90% of the time. The odds of a handicap person needing to use that restroom is slim to none, but that’s still doesn’t mean it can’t happen.

The other day I went to the movies. The movie theater was located inside a mall called the Oviedo Marketplace. This shopping center had a luxurious Regal Cinemas. They built a second story just for this movie theater, the rest of the mall took place on the bottom level.

As I took the escalator up to Regal, you know the famous movie theater
I just mentioned, I began to think about things, I was wondering if the movie I was going to watch would be any good. Before I knew it, it was time to make that awkward step off the escalator. I managed to land that step without injury and noticed the gentlemen who tears tickets for a living. He did his job well and told me to have a good day, and that my movie would be on the right side. But I had unfinished business and had to go to the left. It was concession time mother fuckers.

As I waited in line to get a Medium Coca-Cola I noticed a man with a walker coming off the escalator. This man was an older person, who seemed really happy. There was a man behind him, who was watching his every move. You could tell he was looking out for the guy.

Can I help who’s next? The cashier asked. Im sorry I got distracted for a second. Can i have medium coke please. Would you like a large coke, its only 50 cents more and you get a free refill, she insisted that it was a great value. No just a medium please. I received my coke, which was dripping, but I dealt with it. No reason to let that dampen my day. I had noticed the  two gentlemen from earlier now waiting in the line as I made my way past them to go to my theater. I had noticed two bathrooms and kept walking my way when all of sudden a splash of liquid hit my face. My coke had spilled everywhere. I had a ice cube hit me in the eye and suffered with blurry Vision syndrome for a few seconds. I was pissed at this point, in fact I looked like I wet myself with the collateral damage of coca cola stain near my crotch. It was the Apocalypse of spills and I had to let someone know about it.

On my venture back to the concession, I had thrown my cup away into the trashcan next to the bathrooms that I mentioned earlier and after that I told someone about it. So I went back to the disposer of tickets, and I noticed his name this time around. Xavier was his name, and I told him what happened. He had asked if I had the cup still and I told him no. Next he asked where my cup was and I told him in the trash, his last question was, can you get it out of the trash and I told him to go fuck himself. He told me to wait just a second, so I did.

As I was waiting for my refill, the older man with the walker and the young man with him were close to the spill section. It made me a little nervous, but they managed to pass it without any issues, I could see it from a distance to where I was standing.

Here is your drink, Xavier said. I had told him thankyou and made my way to the theater. My ticket said auditorium 18. It was quite the walk, but I finally made it. I was actually meeting my mother there. When I got to theater 18 I saw my mother and noticed the older man with the walker and the guy with him sitting directly behind my momma.

About half way through the film, I heard a drop. It was the drop of a soda, I could tell. I felt the liquid enter the soles of my feet from the spill. The old man had said, Damn it, and I don’t blame him. To spill your drink sucks big time. The old man tried to clean it up himself, god bless him. I finally figured out who the guy watching over him was.  Dad don’t worrie about it, ill clean it up, he said.  It was his son.

Eventually the movie had ended and I made my way to the bathroom. I thought of the man with the walker when I decided to enter the handicapped bathroom. I dropped my pants and boxers down to the ground and unleashed the beast. Midway thru shit, I see these wheels from the outside of the stall and I hear the knock. I had immediately felt like shit from the inside and out. I knew I fucked up. I’LL JUST BE ONE MINUTE, I Shouted!!!. I finished my shit And wiped my ass so quick, you wouldn’t believe it. I pulled up my pants and boxers in record time. I washed my hands soaplessly devoted. I got out of the bathroom and noticed the older man getting help from his son to piss in a urinal. I had told them how sorry i was and they were surprisingly  humble and said no problem. I got out as quickly as I could. My momma was in the women’s restroom so I had time to think about what I did.

As I was waiting i looked down to the lower level and noticed a business called ” Blue Jasmine” it was filled with colorful items and positive vibes, which was the furthest thing from what I was feeling

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An Inconvenient Wizz

Everything in life is swell. Even when I have to take an inconvenient wizz, im a happy man. I open the door and walk into the bathroom. I then reach the toilet seat up and begin my business. As things begin to flow, I begin to look in the mirror. As I looked at myself the only thing I could really notice was the bright lights coming from the light bulbs. In order to see them I had to look up. While I looked up, I had a vision. I knew that Iife was going to get better, things were reaching new heights. I began to think of that one commercial, where that guy says, ‘Your going to like the way you look, I guarantee it”. I can’t recall the name of the man or his business, but I knew it had to do with nice clothing and being confident. This place sold suites and tuxedos and for the longest time I could never afford any of it, but I sense it coming. Im about to be successful, finally. Eventually the flow stopped, so I took care of things and exited the bathroom. When I say I took care of things, I don’t think its that important to elaborate, because that could come off as strange, so I think you know what I did to take care of things. Anyway, the next thing I did is the best part of the story. I walked my fat ass over to The Renegades computer and checked on the stats of Gastradamus on WordPress. I had 1300 views in one day The truth is that most of those views came in one hour. I may not be a rocket scientist, but I will soon be making more then them. I only wish that Gastradamus And Renegade had more time to contribute to this project, because we did this in 3 hours time. That many views in that amount of time is unheard of and everybody knows it. The people of Gastradamus know it.  We want to thank all of our followers for getting us to this point. Like we’ve said from the beginning, we will take care of you guys, just be sure to keep spreading the word of Gastradamus and once we make it huge, you will be remembered. We have a new story that we are going to be releasing soon, that should be a true eye opener. We recently did a post about getting close to 1000 views and we have already tripled that. That’s right, In a matter of a few days, maybe a week tops, we’ve got close to 3500 views. I may not be a math major, but I’m going to be making more then a rocket scientist, so I will certainly be making more then a math major, but those are good numbers. I guess I didn’t need Algebra after all.

Wendy’s Window Conspiracy

Every time I go through the Wendy’s drive thru, I place my order and they respond threw the intercom and say, “please move forward to the second window”. Have you ever wondered why that is? Is there something Wendy is hiding? Is there some type on conspiracy going on at their first window?

This isn’t just one location, its all of them. Just the other day I went to a brand new Wendy’s and they told me to pay at the second window. Before I got to there, i came to a stop near the first window, because there was a car In front of me. I looked to my left to see if I could see anything. There was a sign hanging in front of the window, which blocked my view that said

Gastradamus is my name and gassy topics are my game

#wendyswindowconspiracy

Blackfish Supporters frantic over Chicago Cubs River

Black fish supporters are having a field day with this one. The City of Chicago has turned their river blue in celebration of The Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. Environmentalist are loosing their marbles, but they need to calm their shit. The dye used for this beautiful extravaganza is Eco friendly and harmless to the fish. They also do it once a year for St Patties day. So relax, and fact check things before you ignorant black fish hippies buy in to the bullshit. Does anyone else miss Shamu?

Gastradamus is my name and gassy topics are my game

World Series goes to Extra Innings… Watch now on fox… Delayed for moment

Get off your ass and put on the world series. Its on fox and the cubs and Indians are tied 6-6 and I predict the cubs to win. The game has been delayed, due to rain. This is fucking crazy. They put some tarp on the field, im not fucking with you mother bloggers. This game is for real and shit is getting nuts

Gastradamus is my name and gassy topics are my game